New year ….. same old me ? Setting Goals.

Every year I made 1 or 2 goals for myself for the new year. 2017 wasn’t any different when it came to making goals. I did take about 2 weeks at the end of 2016 to set some goals for myself. 10 in fact. I kept the goals on my phone and every moth I would reference back to them. In August or September I stopped looking and it was in late October that I went back to them to see where I was at. I reached 9 out of 10 goals. I did in fact reach all ten at one point. The goal I didn’t keep was weight loss. I think everyone makes that one and struggles with it.

It was the first time I really stuck to it and focused on it all year. Every decision I made was geared towards my goals and what I wanted to achieve for myself. This year after so many changes in my personal life and professional life I decided to cut that its of ten down to 5 with some itty bitty goals thrown in. At the top of that list is “Living a Healthier lifestyle and loosing weight”.

The last few years had me dealing with several health problems. Some minor and a few a bit more serious than I ever thought I would have to deal with. Especially so young. I had always been a fit and active person but in my late 20’s that really changes and now I am 35 and at the end of my rope. I suffer from IBS, Diabetes, Back Pain (I had spinal fusion surgery), severe GI issues (I already had a colon resection), Severe Sinus problems and Asthma. Now Like I said, some of them were minor and some more serious.

To reach a healthier lifestyle I am breaking that bigger goal down in to a few smaller goals. The winter will be harder than the Spring but I am hoping to be a brand new me by summer time. Healthy eating is going to combat many of my health ailments and when I incorporate working out 3-4 times a week I am hoping that the lbs will shed off and I will feel amazing. If I was able to do it last year and it was the hardest year of my life so far I think this will be a piece of cake.

Among the healthier lifestyle goal is of course finical stability, a work and career related goal and my favorite goal to be happier and positive. I had my negative moments in 2017. Hell 2017 saw me show out against an ex friend in an online rant that cost me a few other friendship. But you live and you learn. Right ?

I think what is important when your making your goals is to dissect your life down into 5 categories and make goals for each; Relationships, Financial, Career, Personal Development, and Happiness.

I chose these five because they are the areas of our lives that define us. Relationships can be romantic, friendships, or familial. Financial and Career sometimes go hand in hand but are self explanatory. Personal development is always my favorite because it’s where you set that goal for that thing you’ve always wanted to do but put off. Learn a language, read more, pick up an instrument the possibilities are endless. Happiness is right up there with personal development and things year my Happiness goal is centered around positivity. It can be whatever that could make you happy in fact. Last year it was planning a few vacations.

I challenge you to make 5 goals, and on Jan 2019 revisit them and see where your at. I now I can’t wait until Jan 2019 to see how much I have accomplished and what else I can challenge myself too.



Are we ever satisfied ….

I am one of the people who seem to be on the go. I have gone from job to job, city to city, place to place, person to person. I am always on the go. I sometimes stop and tell myself to slow down and I will. It is always short lived though. Recently I have been thinking am I satisfied with my life. Am I satisfied at home? Am I satisfied with work? My career? My life? I decided that I wasn’t and spent some time trying to figure it out. I am still trying, lol. What I did find out is I am not alone.

I am a huge advocate in being happy and doing what makes you happy. If your not than you change it. We often sit in an excuse of “I cant right now” and that is because of a financial obligation or family obligation but in reality it is simply an excuse. Now in some small cases you may have an obligation but it is short lived and you can work towards what you want.

I decided to look at my biggest worry and that is my employment. Now I like my job and my company don’t get me wrong. I am just wondering if I am in the right position or in the right field still. With this I did some digging and I was shocked but not so shocked.

I asked a handful of my friends the same questions. Are you happy at your job ? Are you happy with your career ? Are you doing what you thought you’d be doing ? Would you change it ? Why haven’t you ?

All the answers were pretty much the same. Everyone loved their jobs for whatever reason and were ok with their situation. But ……. almost everyone said it wasn’t a career it was just a job. And all of them said they weren’t doing what they wanted to do or thought they would be doing and if they all could they would be doing something else. Not one person said they would stay in the same position and all weren’t even in their chosen fields. They were doing it to pay bills, pass time until they were ready to leave, or some admitted being to lazy to look. A few were actively working on changes but had some more steps to take. Also… everyone was in their mid thirties.

This made me feel so much better. I beat myself up because I feel like I should be settled in a career but truth be told were in a day and age where you could have 2-3 careers in your lifetime. I am starting to think I am entering my third career choice. The first was great and was sufficient for the times but I changed. The second one was great, or is great but maybe it’s running it’s course. I am actively doing things for the next step but this bump had me feeling lost. I now know I am not alone and it is normal to go through these changes. So I write this hoping that if someone felt lost too like me they are not alone. It is normal and ok to go through changes. We are forever changing and evolving.

can the holidays just be over already !!!

I am just kidding. For me I thought that this year the holidays were going to suck. I guess when you get to a certain age you really do start seeing things differently. Of course I want 2018 to be here in fact I really want 2020 to be here so we can elect a new president lol, but I am ok with how 2017 was. It was filled with a lot of changes, challenges and is going out with a bang. I am still here though, blessed with a job, family and a few close friends who I kept throughout the most recent storm of events.

I think about how tough this year was and I think about how I handled it. I of course had my moments, my ugly moments and my caring and gracious moments. I got through each obstacle as best as I could and I can honestly say that this year I was tested. If you know me or have been following you’ve been a witness to the whirlwind of events from a broken family, the demise of a friendship, relationship troubles, health scares, and job uncertainty. While most of those I have moved on from there are some that are still daily struggles but I get through it with the help from God and my family and friends. The Holidays are a time to be thankful, for giving and for unity. If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t. I accept the things that I cannot change but move forward with positivity and the word of the lord, friends and family.

I could go on and on recapping everything but I am just going to leave this here on a pretty high note. Lot’s to come in 2018. R U READY FOR IT !!!!

Is there a Sexual Harassment Witch-hunt or is enough finally enough?

Note: This is my opinion and just a random thought.

Everyone feared that after Trump won it would be nothing but disaster. It’s not been good at all. I am still unsure of the next 3 years but something has been on my mind.

Trump has a history of being a sexual harasser. He has had up to 16 women accuse him of alleged sexual misconduct. My fear was that after elected people would think this was normal but in my opinion it may have just opened the door for people to finally say enough is enough.

Currently in the media we have seen a number of high profile male celebrities and politicians accused of sexual misconduct. Some call it a witch hunt while I call it justice. This obviously has gone on for a long time with many of the victims coming out publicly years after their abuse. Some are wondering why now and why after so long. I believe that it’s because after seeing Trump elected and hearing about his history of harassment women were re-traumatized through reading the stories. Besides being traumatized they finally said that enough is enough. The cycle has to stop, this is not ok and I am so happy. to see so many people coming forward. No one should have to go through any type of sexual harassment and get away with it. High profile men have been using their status to take advantage of people for years. Why they do it is case by case but the current situation is astounding. I never thought so many people and so many stories would surface.

When I wake up I am no longer surprised to see another accuser in the media. I am not surprised that their is another story. I am actually surprised it took this long and I do believe it has to do with Trump and his history. People wanted change and people are getting change. Sometimes you have to look at the silver lining in any situation and this could be one of many. If we didn’t elect a sexual predator would things have continued to go on. Would so many people be coming forward. Who knows, but I think in my own opinion he is to blame. Whether that is a good or bad thing he has opened the door for this.

Please comment and keep the discussion going.

Work.. Work.. Work.. my journey

I started working when I was 14. I went to Cristo Rey Jesuit High School in Chicago and part of the educational program there was obtaining a job in the city to pay tuition. This was a positive thing because I was able to learn responsibility and good work ethics from an early age. The jobs we obtained were spread across the city and were in the fields of advertisement, business, public health and legal.

The first job I ever had though was when I was ten years old. I worked for a woman in the neighborhood. I worked in her community garden on the corner of 16th St and South Union Ave. I was paid 10 dollars an hour to do labor work in her garden. I can remember very vividly leaving my friends to go to work. I only did this for a few weekends. I worked maybe one day out of the weekend for about 3 hours each “shift” but it put a little money in my pocket and in 1992 this was awesome. After this little gig was over and very short lived I would go on to land one more job that last about a year and a half.

In 1992/93, I can’t remember exactly due to my current age of 34 I auditioned for a part in a play. I would land the part and become a paid actor. I got 50 dollars per show and would perform 1 day every other week. The show was about sexual abuse in schools. A very tough subject but important to share with the community. The play toured the city schools in Chicago and also had a small 4-6 week run (can’t fully recall), at the Blue Rider Theater in Pilsen on Chicago’s South Side. The play received positive reviews and I had a small part out of the 45-minute production appearing on stage for about 15-20 minutes. Once again it gave me the opportunity to earn a little money in which I kept and also taught me the importance of working and how to earn a living. Sounds strange but true. Who at age 10 starts to learn the value of money and working.

When I started High School, I choose this school because I knew that I needed to get real work experience. I knew that in order to have the things that I wanted in life I needed to work and work hard. My first job was working for Saint Anthony Hospital on the southwest side of Chicago. I worked in medical records doing a lot of filing. It was boring but I learned a lot. I remember looking through the files at all the pictures of traumas that came through the ER. I saw a lot in those pictures that shocked and scared me. At the time, I had never seen limbs detached from the human body or gunshot wounds on small children. They were images that shocked me and also scared me. I would only work at the hospital for a year until the school year was over and then on to a new assignment in the fall.

My sophomore year I was placed at Leo Burnette Advertising in downtown Chicago. When I was assigned to this job I thought I scored big. I would be working for a large advertising firm and learning about the biz first hand. I walked into the building went straight to HR and then straight into the mailroom. Although a good opportunity it was boring. I would spend the days I was assigned their sorting through the mail and placing it in mail slots. All the mail came in through bins and then thrown on a table and you would sift through it placing each piece of mail into its correct slot above the table. Each slot had a floor. When the slot was full you’d than pull together the mail place it in a bin and send it up. We got a lot of mail, all different types too. Bills, letters, newspapers and magazines. We we’re an advertising firm so anything we had any sort of involvement in we would get a magazine from that place. A lot of times people would send the magazines back down so that staff in the mailroom could take them home. I took many copies of rolling Stones and Spin magazine. At the time, I was heavily into music. Especially alternative music. I am still a huge fanatic of music but I don’t buy magazines I just scroll Facebook for my news. I know, FAKE NEWS.

Junior year I worked for KPMG Consulting, I don’t know what I did actually. I did some sort of filing. I never paid attention and remember most of my time starring out of the window. My department and office was located on one of the higher floor of the building so the view of Chicago was stunning. You had a view of the lake and the northern downtown skyline. There was no sign of Trump Tower at the time. In fact, the skyline has changed so much in 15 years that if I went up to that same floor I know the view would be different. In fact, almost unrecognizable. The city is beautiful and ever changing and I am glad to call it home.

Senior year I worked for the Chicago Tribune on Michigan Ave. I don’t even remember what I did but I believe I worked in HR. The people were fun and being right on Michigan Ave was the best part. I spent a lot of time there doing some heavy soul searching. At the time, I was looking into Colleges sill. I was accepted into Marquette University and Columbia College Chicago. I didn’t know if I was going to stay local or go away. I also didn’t know if I wanted to go into the Art’s or study something like business or healthcare. I was heavily involved in the Art’s since I was a kid. I had also been dancing most of my life as well. I ended up staying in Chicago and attending Columbia College.

During my Junior year I obtained my first retail job. I got a job at cost Plus World Market and worked alongside my sister. She worked doing the books or accounting or whatever for the store. I worked doing everything else. I stocked the shelves, worked the register and cleaned the bathrooms. The store was on the Northside in the Lakeview neighborhood just outside the border of boystown. I was young at the time so I had a lot of opportunities to meet guys for dates and I got hit on a lot. I loved working and I loved the job.

From the age of 17 until today I have been working. I would go on to work at Blockbuster, Rampage, Forever 21, Crabtree and Evelyn, Express, Hot Topic, Claire’s and the list goes on. I worked in retail for 11 years and about 9 years in retail management. It was a great industry but I grew tired and wanted a change. I never finished school at Columbia and dropped out after 1 year. I would eventually go back to school in 2007 and study Psychology.

In 2011 when I walked away from retail and as a manager I started working at a law firm in downtown Chicago. I would spend almost 2 years there until I decided that I would go to school for a Masters in Counseling and start my career. Up until this point in my life I worked many jobs but I wasn’t in what I would call my career. While retail can be a career I myself didn’t want to be a part of it forever.

I started working as a mental health counselor in 2013 and since then have been in the field. I would go on to work steadily and go to school. In fact, since 2011 I pretty much have been slammed either working 2 jobs at a time or school and work. I wasn’t living rather just working. I didn’t mind it and still do not see it as a negative. I was working to set myself up for success. I finished my Masters in 2016 and spent the next year working off debt and focusing on my career. I went back into retail this time working at a tanning salon. I enjoyed it but was very busy. In October 2017 I decided to add another degree to my resume and in December just a few weeks ago I quit the tanning salon to focus on school and myself. I decided to add an MBA to my list of achievements and accomplishments.

While I write this, and reflect on my journey through my past work experiences I realize I have done it all. Not mentioned so far were jobs working at a Club doing retail and coat check, working for a coat check company being sent all over the city, door to door sales, brand ambassador for PopChips, hair salon cleaning up hair, and a therapist at a private practice. I even worked labor for my father and his business before he closed working at a recycling center. I have been a hard worker my entire life and for the first time I am taking the time to focus more on me. I have set myself up to be a hard worker, dedicated with great work ethic. Some people have a few jobs under their belt with limited experience but I come with a wealth of experience in a variety of fields. There is one exception, I have never worked in the food service industry.

My journey is not over, I have a plan and a focus. Sometime in next decade I will be working part time as a therapist and owning my own business. I will in fact hopefully own my own private practice and either a restaurant, bar or retail store of some sorts. My journey has been somewhat sort when you look at my age of 35 in just a few weeks but long when you look at everything I have done so far. My resume could be pages long

rant 11-11-17

I’ve been plagued by a lot of things lately. What to do, what to write, where to work and even who to be. I know I’m not alone when I say “I get lost”.  We all have our moments of struggles and pains but it’s what we do when we’re struggling that is most important.

I’ve realized that today it’s very hard to be frustrated and just vent. When you do that someone wants to come out the woodwork and give their two cents. It’s even more upsetting when it’s a fair weather friend. That friend who isn’t always there for you when you need it but than wants to give you there opinion. I’ve had a few of those friends. They are no longer friends and I’m purging the rest that are left in my life as well.

Sometimes we just need that time to vent and that’s it. We may know when we’re acting ridiculous and we know when we’re over reacting we just need to get something out.

Today im just ranting. I have nothing in particular to rant about rather a hodge podge of things.

I decided to go back to school and am not sure it’s what I really want. It’s an MBA and I’m on a scholarship but I’m exhausted. I’m working full time and I have a part time job. I’m also trying to become healthy and live healthy but that’s not really working.

I’m always exhausted and working and have little to not life. I really don’t know what to do. Well I do know what to do but it’s hard to sometimes make those big decisions. The first big decision is to quit my part time job. Focus on my full time job and my health. Than focus on the future of a full time job that will pay all my bills. Right now it’s not happening !!!

As im purging the words that are in the put of my stomach I’m realizing more and more I’m happy,  I’m ok. I’m just having a bad day. I know what I need to do and I’ll do it. I’ll get there !!!


The one year mark ….

I was plagued with the decision to keep this blog going or close out completely. Throughout the last year so much has happened that I wanted to share but it was too personal so I stepped back. But what if my words and story could help someone else. What if this is far more theraputeic than I initially thought. 

When I woke up and realized that I needed to renew my blog subscription today or shut down  I was sad. I thought about the few pieces I wrote and the small amount of posts that I wrote about life decisions and I didn’t want to stop. I thought to myself maybe it was time to take this to the next level. So I decided to renew. With this I am deciding to move forward more aggressively and hopefully update this more. I hope to add more pieces about current events, poetry and personal events including a chapter from my upcoming memoir. 

Due to circumstances that arose this year the book has stalled but the content flow is growing. 

The one year mark proves to be a a year of reflection of what was and what will be. 

I appreciate everyone who has read some of what I wrote and I appreciate the feedback. 

I can’t wait for what the next year will bring. 


…. I never

I never thought I would be where I am today,

I never thought I would have wasted the days,

I never thought about how my life would impact others,

I never showed enough love to my father or mother,

I never cried for hours on end,

I never thought twice when hitting send,

I never traveled to Egypt, Paris or Rome,

I never sat somewhere to eat alone,

I never looked in the mirror and said “Gosh you’re beautiful”,

I never sat down and composed my own musical,

I never sang at the top of my lungs in the car,

I never explained to someone all my scars,

I never held my father’s hand,

I never drew pictures in the sand,

I never told my family how much I loved them,

I never felt ashamed of being too femme,

I never wanted an apology from you,

I never sit and watch the prime news,

I never felt complete shame,

I never took the blame,

I never …

I never…






a hidden obsession

It is a bad habit, but it’s a habit. Every morning I wake up go into the bathroom for my morning routine. I take my time getting ready, shaving looking in the mirror, scroll through Facebook while I sit on the toilet. You know the usual stuff. I think about my day and all the things I have to do, “Do I work both jobs today…. What am I going to eat for lunch… Is the Kardashians on tonight”. You know the simple stuff. I continue to get ready and leave the bathroom. I pull the scale out from under my bed and I step on it. “GOSH DARN IT, SHOULD HAVE SKIPPED THAT SECOND HELPING”.

If you find yourself doing this I can tell you that you’re not alone. The obsession with weight is real and we all do it in one form or another. This is just one of many bad habits I have with my weight.

I step on and then off again. Hoping for just a minute that the first reading was wrong, I think about what I am wearing and realize I have on nothing. I continue to get dressed now feeling more uncomfortable about my weight than I did before. I feel defeated as I dress and continue to think about my day but now I am thinking more about the food I want to eat but what I should be eating. Food, diet, exercise, it’s all on my mind now and will be for most of the day.

That’s how my obsession may have started with my body and weight when I was younger to, access to the scale is a dangerous thing. We see numbers and immediately think to ourselves that we have to fit into this number or this category. So what do you do? I mean you want to have a scale in your home but do you really want to feed into this obsession of weight? My goal for the next week is to avoid my routine of weighing myself. It is to avoid an obsession with numbers, calories, food intake etc. and just go about my day. In a week from today weigh myself.

Now the reason for avoidance and avoid the obsession is to bring the focus to other things. I feel that when I tend to focus on weight and weight loss it becomes over powering and takes over and before you know I am tearing myself apart with the decisions I make and I am stressing myself out. What do they say is the number one cause for weight gain, STRESS? So I am going to avoid the thing that stresses me and take control of my life. Take away the thing that maybe causing me the most problems right now.

Just a random thought to ponder throughout the day.


Troubles with communication?

I have found that in the short time I have been on this planet communication seems to be important. How does one learn how to effectively communicate though? Can you teach it?

Recently I was involved in a communication dispute. That dispute came about because individuals were having a hard time communicating with one another. Each had their own styles of communication that were either taught or learned through personal experiences growing up. Was either way right or wrong for them? I don’t think so but I do think adaptability is important in communication. I will not discuss the contents of the dispute because the focus is on communication and the styles that we use. For these two individuals they had different ways of handling conflict and had different ways they wanted the other one to respond. Being realistic though you cannot always have it your way. Being adaptable is important. Setting up realistic expectations and meeting the person halfway is important.

For instance I had a friend who I disputed with directly earlier this year. During that dispute I knew I needed to adapt a little to their communication style. You see when confronted with conflict the person grew defensive and needed space. I initially gave them that space. I communicated with them as best as I could from my standpoint and allowed ample time to process and gather their own thoughts as I had done when I needed to confront them. I knew that in order for me to try and make this a success I needed to understand their style and adapt a little. My response back from them came very late, too late to fix the situation but the end result was the answers I needed. It didn’t save the friendship but allowed both parties to have time to process in their own ways. That is what is important when communicating with someone, being adaptable.

We do not want to ever change who we are but we want to be mindful of how we interact with others and allow them to be a part of our lives as well. We want to be able to give a little and receive a little in return. Communication is tricky though when the relationship lines are blurred.

How do you communicate with a parent? How do you communicate with a lover? A Boss? A Stranger? I bet your head is spinning thinking, “Wow, I wouldn’t talk the same way to these people”. So when we communicate with someone who has different relationships to us, we do need to apply the same logic in communication. We cannot approach each situation with the same communication we would with them for each instance. Both parties need to understand this. This is only when the person as dual relationships with you. For instance, I wouldn’t approach my partner who may be employed by me with the same communication style at home and in the office. We need to look at each role and each situation as they come.

With this in mind I challenge you to communicate with someone you have been struggling with, with a different approach. Be mindful of the role they have with you and the role they play in the situation or dispute you have with them. Make sure that you allow room to breathe for both of you.