Just because you don’t have closure and want an explanation doesn’t mean you haven’t moved on. Just because you talk about something that has happened in the past doesn’t mean your dwelling on it and not able to move forward. I think people have a misconception about how something affects you and to the level it affects them. So obviously I am thinking and reflecting on the “issue between me and an old friend”. So because I talk about it according to some people it’s not moving on and it’s affecting me so deeply”. I don’t believe that’s the case. I am making new friends and establishing new and healthier relationships. I am purging who I believe are vile people from my life and putting more energy into those who really do care about me first. I am living my life and moving forward. I talk about it possibly for two reasons 1) it is my way of handling it and 2) It is a reminder for me of how I do not want to be treated.
Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed of your actions. As adults we know the consequences of what we do. If we don’t than there may be some deeper issues going on that we won’t address here such as Developmental or mental health concerns. I myself do not suffer from either and this week I ranted about my ex BFF. I used the indivials name in a rant and said some things which I believe are true but shouldn’t express aloud. Do I take any of it back, no because I knew what I was doing and why I did it. Was it right? Yes and No. Was it right to put someone’s name out, not really. I simply could have done what I had always done and that was to make the name private or continued to refer to them as my ex friend. I chose not too out of anger. At the time of the posting my Facebook friends list had 325, and only 4 people who knew of this individual and 2 of those don’t even care. Should I have thought about those two friends? YES, I should have thought about how it would affect those individuals. Why, because those relationships shouldn’t have had to listen to a rant about a mutual friend. I think that is the only thing in the whole situation I regret. What is done is done. I am though reflecting on every relationship now and how relationships work. You think at age 34 you have it all figured out but you don’t.
I want to tackle the thoughts in my head about conflict in a group of friends. How do you handle it? I think there is no right or wrong way really. I think the situation sucks and no matter what you have to choose sides. There is no way to really get around it. If it’s something small than obviously it is something that you can get over and not choose sides but for a situation like I was in I think you do have too.
So to recap my situation, gay boy meets straight girl, gay boy and straight girl become BFF’s, gay boy is always there for straight girl, straight girl appears to be there a lot in the beginning for gay boy, girl meets straight boy dates him and they break up, gay boy steps up to pick up the pieces, gay boys world crashes down (family problems boyfriend problems) and straight girl decides to no longer want to be friends with the gay boy but doesn’t tell him, straight girl grows distant, gay boy talks to mutual friends and gay boy is still confused, gay boy confronts straight girl and she says everything is ok, gay boy knows it’s not, gay boy tries two more times, gay boy pens a letter, straight girl never responds for 5 months at which time she does and says “eh were not friends get over it”, gay boy hears from a friend who heard from straight girls friend she simply woke up and decided she didn’t want to be friends. Now rewind to when straight girl got dumped. Her boyfriend at the time woke up and decided to dump her, as a group of friends we all took straight girls side and decided that what he did was wrong. Fast forward again and guess what the group doesn’t think what straight girl did was wrong at all. In fact no one address anything with gay boy until he flips out on social media. How wrong is that?
I am not making this blog to throw anyway under the bus or single anyone else out. I am simply expressing my thoughts on the subject matter. That is what any blogger would do; we take from our own lives and write.
So back to the point, in certain situations you have to take sides. In this case it was wrong that my friends never stood up said hey “Hey what so and so did was not right, if they felt like the friendship was over considering how close you were they should have said it to you”. Now mind you we all work in social services and therapy, so you’d think we could all communicate. I think they all should have said to me “I am not picking sides because your both my friends but I think it was wrong and I would hope so and so would talk to you”. Now did I hear this at all from anyone, “NO”, I only heard this from people outside of the little circle of people who knew us and the situation? I am not saying they are bad friends or bad people but I think the situation was handled wrong by everyone involved. And now that I am writing this I think they chose a side. They chose my ex friends side. Why do I think that? Well because again no one ever said to me that what they did was wrong. They only really talked about it when I went off, and then I was the wrong person. I know parts of what I did was wrong but where is the accountability for the ex BFF. In my letter penned to them I in fact mentioned how I take accountability and always have for my actions and in the letter wrote how they never seemed too. Now we knew each other so well I could tell you that they never took accountability.
Now I am in the middle of wondering who I am friends with and who I am not friends with. I have sent out messages to the mutual friends with one responding and one not responding. Do I continue to find out or let this all go. For me I think if someone asks you a direct question you should answer. I don’t think taking days to decide is appropriate. I mean if you need a few days than the response should be, “hey I got your message and I don’t know where we stand but give me some time”, now that I find to be super respectable. I think about a relationship I have with a co-worker. We talk like BFF’s and fight like siblings but when we feel we need to express something to each other we do it respectfully even when it may be hard to do. Now that is how all relationships should handle conflict. In this case with a few of these people I am not sure it can be done.
I am at a crossroad where I can go right and be ok and where I can go left and still be ok. Both paths will get me where I need to go but one has my friends with me and one doesn’t. And why I say that is because this situation will not stop me from doing what I want to do. It may only stop me from having certain people on my side. Am I upset if I lose a friend, of course? I don’t just allow anyone in my life. I have learned a long time ago that family is who you’re born with but you choose your friends meaning you choose like people and choose people who compliment you. So those relationships have a value to them that is a bit different than your family. Especially when your gay and come out in the late nineties.
Did I handle this situation right, who knows? Who can really determine how one handles something? Did I may be hurt people unintentionally. I think so. Do I apologize for that part, of course I do. Have I moved on, depends on your definition. I think I have. Especially if I am writing this because for me getting it down on paper (so to speak) is how I do it.
Whatever happens now happens. I wish everyone the best even the ex BFF. I just wish people were more inclined to see the whole picture too and include my feelings. I know where I am going and where I have been. I know my own rights from my own wrongs.